Riding The Wave – Multiple Myeloma

“You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.” – Anonymous

Sometimes I just don’t have anything to write about that I feel is worthy of a post. It’s not that there aren’t things going on, it’s just, you know, sometimes I think my standards are too high to bore you with Lori’s Musings (which BTW is the title of my tumblr page!).

I had put this title in my drafts over a year ago. Blame, Shame, Regret. It is something, I think, can completely ruin people, their lives, and those who love them. Make no mistake, it is not a harmless crime against yourself. You effect others, even if it pisses you off that you do! So once again, it’s finding that balance. Where you move from just being self determined in your thoughts and life, to broadening your sphere and actually caring also about others who are in your proximity. Taking responsibility however great or small, for how your own feelings bleed over into the environment and effect others. Positively or negatively.

You know what I’m talking about. You know those people who you meet that just always make you laugh or feel good? And then there are those who make you feel stressed, or down, or angry. Who do you want to be?

Blame, shame and regret is, in my mind an incredibly destructive set of emotions that can consume us if we let it. People say that you can’t change the past. This is true. But we can OWN it. We can be remorseful, ask for forgiveness, learn from it and own it – then let it go and move on.

I remember when our son was doing things that teenager’s do that was monumentally disastrous in our view. As parents, all we could see was where it could lead and we were scared. We brought the hammer down, hard. Not because we were angry or unforgiving, but because we were scared, for him, and were trying to effect change. We were lucky. We won that battle and he is everything and more that I knew he could be. But when he came to me and asked, “what do I do when ‘they’ find out Mom, about the crap I was doing? What do I do?” (He was now living with some great guys, who had it all together and he liked and respected them a great deal.) I had one of my better “mommy moments” and I turned to him and looked him straight in the eye, “You OWN IT, that’s what you do. You say, ‘yeah I was a real jerk, but I don’t do that anymore.’ And you do it with that wonderful smile of yours looking them dead in the eye.” I went on to tell him to never run or hide from anything he has done. It is what makes him who he is now, today. No shame in making mistakes. No regret in turning the wrong way. Blame no one but yourself for the choices you have made. Own them. Own them all. People will respect you for it. I noticed his shoulders broaden as the burden lifted and he nodded.

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” – Jonathan Larson

We’ve all done or said really stupid things. We could have a party and tell the worst things or stupidest things we have ever done. Some hurt us, some make us laugh, but it is our life’s experience. We do the best we can, given the data we have at the time. It might not be the best decision. It might even be a really bad one. But it is a decision and it was ours.

There is a little exercise you can do for those things that plague you. You can sit down and write honestly what you did that wasn’t OK. Even how you may have justified it. The results. Then you can take it and write down what you should have done. How you would handle it now if you could do it again. It can be quite liberating and sometimes it actually allows you to move forward from it and not cringe every time it pops into your head.

David was plagued with tremendous regrets when he was diagnosed. It was painful for me to see him suffering so. It was life altering. On the one hand, it was what it took for him to SEE how much he was neglecting his family and the poor relationship he had with us. On the other hand, I was focused on getting him in a positive place to deal with this crisis before us. But in order for us to do that, he had to take a good, hard, honest look at himself. I had to take a breath and let him. Acknowledging him but somehow moving him through the grief he was feeling about himself and his life. Cancer does this to us. It’s OK. But how do we not stay there? How do we move through it and come out the other side, alive and whole? It’s not easy. But it is worth it.

I often read or talk to people who really get this. They have had cancer and survived so far and they really do appreciate life and have let all the other stuff go. They inspire me. When we meet another MM patient and we ask, “How did they find your myeloma?” It is rarely a simple doctor’s visit. There is often quite a story! I never tire of hearing them because the person now in front of me has overcome all that. Obstacles in a person’s life that they have overcome is what fascinates me. It’s why I share mine with you. (Not that mine are fascinating mind you, but to lend credibility to what I suggest – I’ve been there, it was hard!) We all have them and yet here we are, surviving and hopefully thriving. It isn’t enough to just survive, we should be happy too.

When I write or talk to people about their treatment options, even though I’m a Total Therapy proponent, I don’t push that on anyone. We talk about what they are concerned with, the obstacles they are facing, what their options are, what they are thinking they should do and why. We walk through the process. I’m a sounding board. I offer them others to talk to who took different paths. In the end, I simply tell them to make the best choice for them, given all their circumstances, helping them to sort out the importances and get focused. Some things they start out thinking are important, I know are simply not. So assisting them in giving the right things weight is what I hope I’m able to do. Putting it into perspective. When they do decide, they need to OWN it and then move forward and have no regrets. It will be the right decision for them. To just get moving on it in a logical, methodical manner.

Take the time you need to square things around on this. But don’t stay there. You have work to do! You will inspire your friends, family and acquaintances with your strength and courage. I think if Dave hadn’t had some epiphany moments in all of this I would have been disappointed. We have a joke now around the house, when he does something that I don’t like (like work too much) I will say, “Well! That didn’t change after cancer!” He will start laughing and often give me a warm hug. We chuckle. I know that no matter what the future brings for Dave and I, we’re good. 

On a very personal note, our wonderful son is indeed coming to California. Today is his last day and then he packs and makes the drive across the country next week. Excited seems to pale in comparison to the emotions I am feeling. I am hopeful that he will love his new co-workers and locale. It will be so great to have him around.

Tags: blame, regret, shame