“The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” – C.C. Scott
Two of my myeloma buddies aren’t doing so well at the moment. Their numbers are rising, there is concern. One I’m very close to and have garnered deep affection for. The other a blogger I’ve never met and have come to appreciate.
I find when my myeloma friends are doing well, I am lulled into this world of “yeah, we have myeloma… but we are happy, healthy and bumping along… we’re good… all is well.” But when someone who was doing well, productive, active, looking good, gets news such as this, it knocks me back a bit and reminds me of the things I refuse to be held hostage by – those things I don’t spend time dwelling on… it can come back, it can be mean and ugly, it’s a rough and tumble road. This could be me. This could be Dave. It becomes intensely personal.
I would expect them to become both frightened and emotionally exhausted. While I try to stay positive and supportive for them, not in a namby pamby, Pollyanna sort of way, but one of genuine interest and concern, without falling into a horrible wallowing sort of emotional tone. Very matter of fact… tell me more… what can I do? Feel free to call me. I’m here for you. Keep me posted. How are they doing? How are you holding up? I find that I am frightened, taken back to those early days of discovery of this thing called Myeloma. Reminded of its tenacity to survive and rear its ugly head to fight again, and win the battle against the chemical, the mental, the spiritual, the hope, the faith, the prayers. It makes me well up with hate, anger, pessimism, frustration, apathy, hopelessness, and that horrible idea of inevitability. The inevitability that I refuse to go into agreement with.
I have worked hard most of my life to not have these debilitating feelings and emotions. I find them unproductive and a waste of energy. However, I do acknowledge that they are very real, understandable emotions. I forgive myself for these failures in my character as much as I may despise them in myself. I guess the trick is to not let them take over and turn me into something I’ve never been – bitter. To not allow them to permeate my being-ness and what makes me who I am, right or wrong, good or bad, refreshing or annoying. It is challenging to find acceptance in something you don’t want. To see the silver lining that is always there – where is it? I can’t see it! I only see the dark! Why can’t I see it? Yet, I know it’s there, somewhere… I guess that is what we call faith. I don’t know…
So if you wouldn’t mind, joining me in prayerful thoughts for my friends. That they overcome this latest “setback” in their myeloma journey without too much debilitating medical intervention. That their doctors are bright and dedicated toward finding another reasonable path that will lead them back out into the clearing where the sun shines bright and warm and the flowers are blooming. A few butterflies floating around would be nice too.
“Life without faith in something is too narrow a space to live.” – George Lancaster Spalding
Beautifully written Lori. Sometimes you express just the things that I am feeling. Amazing timing. My prayers are with the two families and doctors.
Count me in! Wonderful post, Lori! Pat
I am joining with you in prayerful thoughts, and in sending healing energy to their bodies and souls. Thanks for starting the prayer circle. Being a meditator, I believe in the energy that we can give as a group.