Riding The Wave – Multiple Myeloma

“Can’t see the forest for the trees.” – Unknown

(“You cannot see the big picture, as your are immersed in the details. You have to get out of the forest to see it, because while you are in the forest, you only see the trees that comprise the forest; but you cannot see the forest as a whole. When you are focusing on details, it is more difficult to see the issue as a whole, as you can only see the details that comprise the issue.” – Answers.com)

We bump along in life, some happier than others, and then WHAM! We get hammered with all sorts of things that seem to come in on us, either in a consecutive stream of ‘bad luck’ or concurrently in a way that feels crushing, or even worse, BOTH!

Its hard not to wonder “what did I do to deserve this?” or “I don’t know how much more I can handle.”

I can’t answer that, it’s just an observation I have made in my own life’s journey and from a distance in the lives of others. Some I may only be acquainted with, some maybe I know well. And in fact, some are complete strangers. I meet them on the plane, waiting in line, at the coffee shop. For some reason people will share their most difficult life’s moment they are experiencing in a very brief interchange. I feel their pain. It’s not Multiple Myeloma and it’s not even always cancer, but it is some trauma, some tragedy, some overwhelming event in their life that seems to be defining them and they are frightened, angry, frustrated, worried, overwhelmed – feeling defeated.

In those brief moments I try to offer some of what I know to be true, ideas and concepts that go way back, thousands of years, modernized, brief, but something that will help them to get their head around what is happening in a way that the tornado doesn’t engulf them. Something that will offer them hope and even just a flicker of light they can follow.

Sometimes they are like me, they’ve figured some of it out already and we laugh and share and feel like old friends in some other lifetime having a perfect, chance meeting, that doesn’t seem like chance at all.

Sometimes, they are drowning. You can see it in their eyes. You hear it in their voice. You see it in there posture. I try to offer them a lifeline and more often than not, I head home feeling that this chance encounter may have given them that little twinkling light that they can follow out of their darkness.

What I know for certain, is the way out is the way through. Many philosophers and writers have given this view in one form or another through man’s existence. Winston Churchill’s “When you are marching through Hell, keep going!” Just to name one. Robert Frost was another who expressed similar philosophies and sentiments.

Somehow, we must put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. The burden and the load may get heavier and heavier for awhile and we aren’t sure we can carry much more, and somehow we must, somehow we do. Hopefully we get some help along the way, but it is very often a very lonely endeavor, both for the patient and for the caregiver.

The patient doesn’t want to burden you more and the caregiver doesn’t want to burden their loved one with their own fears and worries either. We recognize that we both have a job to do and while we are together in that effort it can still be incredibly solitary in the deep recess of our mind.

I will often tell folks to just grab something in the mass confusion. Anything! And handle it. It doesn’t have to be the most important thing, or even the wisest time spent, but grabbing something helps to stabilize you. Then grab the next thing you can grab and do that. Eventually you begin to SEE what needs your attention and grab that. It begins to clear out the swirling debris.

And always, always, always, celebrate even the smallest of victories! Never underestimate the value in noticing something GOOD!

I remember in my early 40’s I was feeling really good. It was fabulous actually. I was actually thinking, 40 isn’t so bad. I felt mature, healthy – spiritually, mentally, physically. I was busy. Then my mother got sick and passed away after a 2 year journey of realizing she would not win this last battle with cancer. Right after she died, Dave lost his job in the telecom industry. My life had dwindled to hardly anything I recognized after caring for my mother and now I needed to pull myself up and go to work. The kids were in middle school and HS, my son began having some problems, my sister and her son were struggling after the death of our mother. She got sober for awhile moved in with us and then fell off the wagon, lost her job, got a DUI and moved out in a huff. Every time the doorbell rang I would pray it wasn’t a cop at the door telling me there had been an accident or some other drama! Slowly but surely, I kept at it, I just had to get through this and drag everyone with me as best we could. My poor daughter, who kept herself afloat doing everything “right” felt as though the only way to get any attention was to be a screw up! (I finally grabbed her for a girl’s weekend at the Berkeley Springs Spa and after the massages we went back to our room and the beans were spilled out on the bed in a flood akin to Niagara Falls! – Good call Mom!)

But I won’t lie to you, I felt pretty beat up and would wallow in self pity from time to time. My sister struggled for awhile and began to come through her troubles. Her son found his calling. My son found his passion. Dave got a job in California, the sun began to shine it’s warm light back on our lives, and then WHAM! Cancer came calling! It was like “what the hell!”, I don’t think it’s supposed to be like this, really? Is it? For almost a decade it seemed one thing or another was going on in our lives that wasn’t pretty or for polite conversation. It seemed just as we might be coming through the storm, it would get dark again. I was, quite frankly, exhausted. I felt like our life was a complete and utter failure! At times I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cover my ears as people were calling my name! UGH!

But I kept moving forward, kept believing that somehow I would get through it. (I did think of running away and leaving them all to their nonsense!) I believed in my sister, that she would recover from her “tragic life” and figure it out. I believed in Dave that he would re-find a career path and meet this challenge in his health. I believed that our children would re-connect with all that was good about them. I just kept believing in all of us. We are from good strong stock! We had good moral fortitude and work ethic. Somehow it would lead us all somewhere we were supposed to be all along.

It has and it did. It feels really good.

The way out is indeed the way through. I no longer question that I’m worthy or deserving of such good fortune. I am. We all are. YOU are.

I no longer worry about a phone call or a door bell, or now a ‘test’. Whatever it is, I will confront it and deal with it. I’m not afraid anymore. I guess that’s what these casual chance meetings must be perceiving. “She looks like someone who seems to be at peace, maybe she can help me?” I don’t know. Either that or I’m a trash can! haha Just kidding.

And, just so we are clear, it has been a work in progress. I had to learn to let unpleasant emotions and thoughts go. I had to throw them away no matter how justified I felt in hanging on to them, like a prized possession! I can sit at the intersection now with what seems to be an endless stream of cars and calmly wait, completely confident that there will be a break and I will make that left turn, safely and easily. Applying this in many areas of my life has been a most fulfilling experience. It has actually become a game for me. Dave tries and for the most part he is doing amazing, but I still can beat him at this game most of the time and he grins and shakes his head. He’s married to a witch. He used to dismiss this about me and now he proudly announces the magic he is married too! It took us a long time to get here as a couple, but it’s really nice to have arrived.

I know it seems dark and overwhelming when you are newly on this journey in Myelomaville or perhaps you’ve relapsed. I really KNOW. I’ve been where you are. I can’t guarantee that IT will turn out perfectly or the way you fervently hope. No one can. But I can tell you that you will get through it and you have lots of friends who will join you as you trudge through the forest with the machete, trying to find the way out, into the sunshine and fresh air.

BREATHE… BREATHE… Do your best. Remember to take care of each other as best you can. Forgive those who don’t understand and find ways to let the icky emotions go. Bitterness about your situation is incredibly destructive and such a waste of time. I think that is one of the hardest emotions for me to deal with in others who are struggling. It is the most difficult for me to cut through and reach them. The best advice I can give you to get there… is to truly find anything you can that makes you feel better, laugh, smile, everyday. And if you don’t manage to do that today, try again tomorrow.  Whether it’s a sprinkle or a downpour, don’t run for shelter, take off your shoes, turn your head up, throw out your arms and just get wet! You can do this, I BELIEVE IN YOU! – Cyber Hugs!

“There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them.” – Phyllis Bottome

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