Riding The Wave – Multiple Myeloma

In the hospital enjoying Hudson's insistence on holding his baby sister 1989

“The family.  We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.” – Erma Bombeck

One of my most favorite bits on having and raising children is Bill Cosby’s Himself circa 1980. If you have never seen it, I highly recommend it. You will laugh until your face hurts, if you are a parent that is.

With this latest trip back to the east coast where Dave and I lived for 27 years raising our children and carving out our lives it is bitter sweet. Our youngest, Montana, has successfully navigated all life’s modern pitfalls and difficulties and garnered her bachelor’s degree in Communication from the University of Maryland. A four year athlete, Sorority Sister, and Honor Society recognition. Proud? You bet. Excited? Of course. But with all that, I can’t help but feel What Now?

After a decades of being entrenched in her sport, on the Board, doing my part to make it a going concern, one of the parents whose children were older and finished and he was leaving his position looked at my startled expression and said, “Lori, There IS LIFE AFTER DIVING!” Really? Are you sure? I was reminded of what he said when I ended my reign with the league and then shared this bit of insight with one who followed me the following year ending his long tenure.

I was fortunate enough to have lunch with him today. We were the three musketeers for a good decade, Karl, John and I. While I loved the kids and the league, it was John & Karl that made it all work for me. I loved spending the summer with them in the heat of the season. Handling all the crises, the squabbles, watching the kids competing and being wowed by them all. Handing out trophies and ribbons. Gearing up for the big two day All-Star meet at the end of the season, staying focused, being exhausted and trying to smile all day without losing our minds. We would always go out after the last dive and grab a bit to eat. Exhausted, the season was finally over and we would have some laughs and debrief about the season. I was always happy about how we would talk about what we wanted to do next year and how we would shake our heads that we were already gearing up for yet another crazy summer.

Today Karl reminded me of what I shared with him and he said, “Lori, there really is LIFE AFTER DIVING!” He is enjoying his boat on the Bay every weekend and doesn’t have to come back for a dive meet on Sunday. He can’t believe it and he is happy. I asked him then, as he still has three children to get to where ours are now. “Karl? Do you suppose there is life after children?” He smiled and said, “God I hope so!”

That is where I am now. I sort of missed the “empty nest” stuff people talk about. When Montana left for college I immediately had two house guests staying with me for about 6 months. Then we moved, then Dave was sick and I haven’t had time to have the luxury of whining about empty nest. So I guess I’m whining about it now.

I’m proud, I’m happy, I feel accomplished as a mother, I rejoice in their successes. I think I will be fine. I have a lot going on that I enjoy and dreams that have been on the back burner for years while giving them all I had, supporting their lives, guiding them, supporting Dave in his career, managing all manner of things for everyone. But I sometimes wonder as I head out for ‘home’ tomorrow and leave my baby girl behind as she embarks on her career, “Is their life after kids? Will I be OK?”

Life is full of these transitional moments. So far, I’ve negotiated them. When I think about how scared I was to have children in the first place and yet I did it and I managed, and I grew as a person. It’s interesting how it all works out somehow. When they can reach the door knob and turn it, they are also able to negotiate steps! I used to just marvel at how all that worked.

Well, they are both off and running. Happy, well spoken, well mannered, healthy, educated, able, bright, responsible, balanced. Someone once said, some comic, maybe it was Erma, that as soon as your kids get interesting they leave home. Isn’t that the truth?

So the transition of being away from them in a way that they aren’t coming home is here upon me. We are so far that a weekend trip home isn’t really in the cards. Some say how lucky I am. I understand. Some kids don’t get out of the house in the logical, linear order we have laid out in society. Some need more time.

But as proud as I am, it is bitter sweet. Our relationship is changing. But then it’s been ever changing since they were born so I will Ride this Wave like I do so many others and hope that I end up on the warm sandy beaches not too worse for wear and occasionally they will join me there to relax and laugh about the nonsensical memories of our lives together.

Congratulations Montana and Hudson!

Look out for each other. Maintain your personal integrity at all times, even when it isn’t easy.

Tags: milestones, parenting, transitions