Tani & Kip
“The only fault I have ever found with dogs is that they don’t live as long as we do.” Jackie, My Dog Trainer
First, Kip is still with us…
I have had a hard week. Our beloved Kip is failing dramatically and I’m grieving terribly. Scrambling to see what is wrong and if it can be fixed and feeling the overwhelming foreboding of what will inevitably come. Some of my friends have said that it’s harder to lose a pet than a relative. I can’t say I completely disagree with them on this point. I guess it depends on how close the relative is and how wonderful your pet is.
Kip is amazing.
He is the only dog I have ever owned from puppyhood through adulthood, and now – his passing, at some point in the near future. I’m giving myself a pass on my inability to reconcile what is happening, since it’s my first time. Our childhood dogs were often given away at some point and so while I would hear of their passing years later, it didn’t impact me the way this is, up close and personal.
My favorite portrait “lucky” shot
We’ve been to our new vet and discovered that his hole in his heart at birth is all healed. This was amazing news and of miraculous proportions. “Then what’s going on?” I went there wanting to get an assessment. I wanted to prepare myself to understand and recognize when he was in crisis enough that something needed to be done. Knowledge is power right? I was back in less than 10 days, late Sunday night over Labor Day Weekend. Kip was getting weaker, losing weight, and more disturbing, he had what I described as mini-strokes, lasting a couple of seconds, but making him fall down. I could actually see the shivering move from his eyes to his rear as he stiffened and slid down. She agreed with me that they didn’t sound like epileptic seizures. So we opted for the $300 worth of blood work up and a couple of x-rays.
I got the results back on Tuesday. Nothing significant in his blood work, no cancer showing up or a myriad of other things. We discussed that we may have more questions than answers, but at least we would rule out some awful things. He has hip dysplasia and severe arthritis in the rear legs. I didn’t know that most of a dog’s strength is in the forward part of their bodies. He has done an amazing job of adapting to his new paralysis in his rear legs and I’ve managed to keep him from coming up the stairs in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping by blocking them off.
In our hotel on the ocean, keeping watch
Getting him to eat has been challenging. Dog food or hard food is of no interest. Ground Sirloin he is liking. There went my spaghetti dinner. Last night I cooked up some chicken and eggs drizzled with bacon grease. That was a winner. But it is taking a lot of my emotional energy and time, in between the sudden well up of tears when I’m doing the most mundane things, like emptying the dishwasher.
The worst part of course was finding the right time to tell the children, long distance. I hate that. I finally sent Montana an email, apologizing for it being an email, but each time we spoke recently on the phone she was with someone, doing something, and I was on speaker. Then Hudson was in the Bahamas working, having the job assignment of a lifetime that allowed him to shine at corporate. Finally, upon his return, listening and engaged in all the wonderfulness of his recent trip there, I did it. I told him. It freed me that they know and I am now able to move forward to make whatever decisions need to be made, that are inevitable.
We have two trips coming up in October. My neighbors always take Kip and are wonderful, but this seems to be a rather onerous task for them to be asked to do, especially should things go really bad while we are gone. Not being sure if he will make it that long, but “Logistic’s PhD, Lori” doing her thing, I contacted the children about whether Hudson could come and stay while we are away for our long trip (a cruise to celebrate 30 years of marriage). Montana graciously and thoughtfully responded that if Hudson couldn’t, she was sure she could get permission to telecommute for work and come.
He can’t get in his favorite spot anymore.
I found a wonderful homeopathic combination remedy by accident (or divine intervention) when looking up the side effects of anti-seizure meds that I thought perhaps we should try as his “episodes” were ganging up and increasing. After reading those lists, at the very bottom was an alternative remedy and I was relieved. I’m familiar with some of the remedies and made my order. I just want him to have some relief.
A friend, helping me to sort through my emotional conundrum and lack of clarity, said “Ask Kip, talk to Kip, he will tell you.” I know, I’m trying, but it’s just so hard! But again, I ventured into that conversation as I was telling him he needed to make the decision and let me know. I realized, he didn’t want to make the decision anymore than I do! At least not yet. When I come home he struggles to get up and with everything he has, trot over to me waging his tail. Each time I go outside, he comes, hopping over the 1″ ledge at the door with his hind legs. He walks with me 50 ft or so to the mailbox everyday and struggles to negotiate the incline on the driveway as we meander back, but he does it and wants to keep doing it. Our walks have been relegated to walking around our court. He seems sad when we get to the corner that would take us to direction of the park, but he knows, he can’t make it. I told him, today I would get him in the car and we would drive the 2 blocks to the park so he could “check his messages”.
Hanging out at one of Montana’s Field Hockey games
In the tests, from the x-ray, an unidentified mass in his abdomen was found. A suggestion to pay yet another $300 for an ultrasound. I decided not to. One, he is uncharacteristically upset and frantic at the Vet. When we went Sunday night I had to sit on the floor with a 70 pound lab in my lap! This is so not Kip. He has always been calm, stable, thoughtful, well behaved and engaging. He’s scared, he knows – it’s not good. Two, what would the ultrasound tell me really? And whatever it does tell me, it will most likely only lead to, “We need to open him up, or do a biopsy – and then open him up.” I’m not doing that to him. I have finally put myself in the realm of hospice/palliative care mode, and it helped to make more clear-headed decisions, not what’s best for me, but for Kip. Damn this is so hard.
Like people, I’m guessing he is picking up on my grief and I need to get to a good place so he knows he can go, whenever he is ready. As sentient beings, we struggle with letting that happen and striking the balance of “I love you and I don’t want you to go,” with “We’ll be OK. It’s OK for you to go. Don’t suffer.”
Kip & Maddie on Sasha’s Bed
Kip has garnered many friends and fans over the years. He’s like the “local celebrity” who is beloved and brings a smile to anyone he meets along his path in life. People knew Kip and didn’t know my name! Sometimes I would be walking him and someone would go crazy saying hello to Kip! I would smile and they would tell me how they know him, where they met him, how much they admire him. Like we do when someone speaks glowingly of our children, I puff right up like a stupid blowfish! We have always been immensely proud of being his “human companion” or “servant” depending on the day! 🙂 He made the move with Hudson and his friend Charlie in my car. The whole trip was geared around Kip. But of course the boys had a fabulous time meandering from great park to great swimming hole from Maryland to California (on our dime!). For nearly two weeks, Kip, Hudson and Charlie explored the United States, staying with friends all along the way. It was an adventure!
He rode with me 2,200 miles to and from Arkansas when we went to treat Dave. I was amazed and thrilled at what a fabulous traveling companion he was. He laid at Dave’s feet day in and day out, weeks on end.
The only thing he ever chewed was an edge of my new cashmere door rug when he was a puppy. He has never bit anyone, or even snarled at any one. I’ve never even heard him growl except when I’m trying to make him “speak” for his treat! He’ll sometimes growl first trying to get it with that!
I used to tell my children when they were little, laying all over him while he was eating a bone marrow, “You kids know you can’t do that with other dogs, right?” He went to baseball games, lacrosse games, field hockey, and hung out sitting in the shade, tolerating the little bodies banging on his head, grabbing his fur and laying on him. He LOVES babies! Gently sniffing the strollers with great interest and gentle care.
I used to call him the “Ghandi of Dogs.” My dog trainer would drive over and borrow him to see what a dog aggressive dog was doing for someone she was working with. The dog would attack Kip and he would manage the dog and the situation with great skill, never attacking back, nor slinking away. Stoic, calm, confident, strong. Jackie was always confident in predicting Kip’s behavior.
He cuddled with my elderly cat. He tolerated puppies jumping all over him. I think one of the funnier things he did when we first moved here, was when a UPS truck turned into the court. The look of recognition and sheer joy on his face was a crack up! The UPS drivers in our old neighborhood would stop or toss treats from their truck when they visited our court, even if they weren’t delivering to our house. Kip could hear that truck coming long before it hit our cul-de-sac. If he wasn’t outside they would leave him a treat on top of the package and he would lay at the door until I got home, anxious to retrieve it. Anyway, when he heard and saw the UPS truck he leaped up, ran down the driveway and jumped up into the truck, up the stairs and in the back! I was so flabbergasted as I ran down there, only to see the driver with the package up over head, looking down as Kip was moving backwards to the front of the inside of the truck, lightly jumping and wagging his tail, so excited! I apologized profusely to the driver and explained his connection to the UPS drivers back East. He was great about it, and we all laughed.
There will be much of this wonderful reminiscing we will be doing. At some point, it will make us laugh. Right now, it just makes me cry.
“Labradors [are] lousy watchdogs. They usually bark when there is a stranger about, but it is an expression of unmitigated joy at the chance to meet somebody new, not a warning.” – Norman Strung
Kip had the potential to be anything. A service dog, seeing eye dog, therapy dog, rescue dog, drug detection dog, hunting dog, you name it, he could have filled the bill, except probably the security dog. He wouldn’t have liked that job, but if asked, I think he would have risen to the occasion. Instead he chose to be our family companion, bringing stability, calm, and laughter into our home, lives and heart, and to all those who were lucky enough to meet him. I know this because when I hear from folks they include Kip in the asking about each member of my family. And when your friends and neighbors fight over whose turn it is to take him while you are away… well clearly he leaves a lasting impression. I often thought he should have one of those jobs and that we were selfish to not provide him with a more meaningful existence beyond that of a family pet. But he accepted this job, way beneath his abilities, and carried it out as if it was indeed the most important task he could ever be asked. He is a wonderful example of being in total serenity. He has lived his live with such ease and joyfulness that we could all really learn from him. I have often thought that was his purpose in our lives. We are truly blessed. I’m getting there, I’m getting there, but clearly – I’m not there yet.
oh lori what can i say? so so sad and i am sitting here bloody tears streaming down my face and i can’t stop. you are such a gentle, sensitive person and at the same time pragmatic, caring and loving, and i really do know how tough this must have been not only for you, but for Dave and the kids as well. I really wish i were closeby and this ocean wasn’t in the way, cos i wud say Lori get the kettle on and let’s have tea and some sympathy together, but we can’t alas. You are in my thoughts and it will take time, a long time, but you will get to a comfortable place with gorgeous memories of Kip and the life you had together. Bye bye for now and you go off and have a lovely 30th celebration on that cruise. Oh by the way absolutely fabulous photos of Kip. Take care your m8 Tricia in London
Thank you Kay. It has been a hard couple of weeks, but each day is a tad bit less intense. When it sneaks up on me is the hardest. 🙂 He did do his job and he did it so well. I’m truly blessed to have had him in our lives.
Lori, I am so sorry for your loss of Kip – those of us with pets know how hard it is when their time on earth is finished. It sounds like Kip did his job, did it well and then when his job was finished, it was time to go “home”. Our very best to you and family. Rex and Kay
Thank you karen. My frequency of tears and weeping is lessening, but he is still hard on my mind and my heart. I imagine it will take some time. My daughter and I have talked about doing an art collage of his life and all the wonderful things people have said about him. I think it will be very cathartic and fun. I have been “honoring” my grief for him, as Susie so aptly pointed out to me. The support from so many has been amazing and wonderful. It has helped a lot to not feel alone in my loss of him.
oh, lori,
i know there is nothing i can say to lessen the grief you are feeling over kip’s death and the painful void of his absence. the only thing i can think of is to say thank you for sharing all you did about him and his joyful presence in your life; each time his sweet face popped up on your blog, during rough times and times that were better, it made me smile – every time. the video song made me cry; i will remember him, your kip. love, karen
I’m sad to say that we had to help Kip to “go” early this morning. He must have had more strokes in his sleep last night and he was blind, unable to get up and frightened. It was very clear to me that he was not going to willingly leave us and that we had to make the decision for him. Very hard. I was so glad Dave was home to help me. I waited all day before posting to allow for the children’s work day to finish up and call them first. They were sad, but understood. Montana aptly pointed out that it was harder on Dave and I as it was so intimate and that she was glad that it wasn’t a long drawn out decline or that he was left blind for a year. Hudson talked with Dave about what a great dog he was. I’m sure the weight of it all will hit them hard in the coming days and indeed when we came home this evening it was difficult to come to terms with his absence as we walked in the door. For 12 1/2 years he has been happily greeting us when we came home.
Oh Valerie, thank you so much for reaching out in such a moving and heartfelt way. It is VERY appreciated by me in so many levels.
Hugs.
Lori:
My sympathies to you as you face this with your beloved dog. I first encounted your blog through the Myeloma Beacon after my husband was diagnosed last year. You were the first person to respond to me and though my husband lost his battle I still am interested in your blog and check in from time to time. After my husband died a few months ago, our beautiful German Shepherd dog, Cody, provided me so much comfort it is hard to overstate. I don’t know what I would have done without his presence. I knew his time would be coming to an end as he was 12 1/2 years old and was also failing. Sadly a few weeks ago, he let me know it was time. It was heartbreaking, but I found a vet that came to my home and Cody was able to go to sleep in his own bed, without any stress, and in complete peace. I felt like it was such a gift to be able to give him and the vet was so caring, kind and gentle. I know how hard this is for you and I wish you peace as you face the loss of your beloved Kip.
Valerie
Thanks Paula. Still lots of tears popping up here and there, right on top of 9/11 remembrances and stories. It’s just a tough time all around. Looking for that peace in his eyes that Colson mentions. Right now, he remains engaged and tail wagging, though sleeping much.
From one of my dearest friends who helped me raise my children:
“You continue to make me proud! Maybe Kip is just as concerned for you as you are for him. Allow the peace to develop in his eyes. It will come. Talk it out. He listens to you very intently. As long as I have known you, you have managed to be an unbelievable source of support and comfort. Your fourth child is not different. That invisible leash is a bit difficult to handle; we never let it go. The amount of tension in our grip on the leash changes.
Give lots of love to all for me. Give Kip and extra nose to nose for us.”
XOXOXOXO
colson
I think we feel so moved when our pets are ill or pass because we are their world, they can’t just up and leave it they think we suck or don’t give them enough treats. We are soley responsible for their quality of life and I don’t doubt for a second that Kip’s with you was wonderful. Now I need to go get a tissue. xx
Thank you so much Sandy. Kip will appreciate and receive your assistance! And yours truly is forever grateful for your care.
As well as being a Reiki Master doing healing on humans, I have done quite a bit of animal Reiki, including transitional energy work. The sun sets every day here at 6 p.m. (more or less) because we are so close to the equator. That is the time I do my healing work, and I will add Kip to my list of ‘recipients,’ until I hear otherwise – California time difference is 2 hours until the end of DST. I know how hard it is having been there, but Kip will give you time to prepare. Blessings…
Thanks Karen! I LOVED my hospice nurses for my mother. You guys are a special, S-P-E-C-I-A-L breed! So it means A LOT to me that you have been complimentary toward my efforts. I’m still weepy, but it is more manageable now because I’m clear about what I’m doing, my purpose and mission. Makes such a difference. My hope is that he goes in his sleep, and of course that is everyone’s hope. No pain, no drama. But I would dearly love to find him one morning and not have to take him to the vet to euthanize. Though I will be checking to see if they can come to me in the mean time. That would work better if he needs some help.
lori,
so glad you have the mindset of hospice/palliative care mode. this from a hospice nurse who always ministered to our patient’s pets alongside caring for their humans, as did all our hospice team members. kip has the good fortune of your experience with hospice when you cared for your mom, and that’s such an enhancement to all the natural loving care you are giving him. the part you wrote about the walk in the park – whay joy for both you and kip! thanks so much for sharing your good day. hugs, karen
Kip Update. So I’m getting to that “better” place, though I’m still weepy at times. I did some research and decided that I’m in a hospice/palliative care setting. Kip has surpassed the average life span of a Lab which is 12 years, with 10-14 being the range. This is amazing and a testament to his wonderful loving care from our family. We’ve done a good job. The Vet didn’t want to put him on any anti-inflammatories for his pain/arthritis because it can damage the liver. Well she’s young and not yet in the mind set I’m in, which is making him comfortable for his inevitable transition. I did some research and found that indeed aspirin and other anti-inflammatories can be safely given to dogs and the proper dosing, with meals. Given that we are of the mind that he is having mini-strokes, it is also good to thin his blood and get the blood clots under control. So yesterday I started him on this regimen and last night I hoisted him into the car and drove him the 2 blocks to the park near our home that he loves to visit twice daily. I think the strokes have effected his sight and increased his hearing loss, so when I got him out of the car and he realized where he was, his well known, joyful, happy go lucky demeanor was instantaneous! Tail up! Pep in his step and we took our sweet time meandering around the park picking up his messages. He seemed relieved to me. We will do this as often as he can. It was a good day.
From my friend Ali: “You kept wondering why Kip was putting on weight. And then you discovered that everyone in the household was thinking he needs to be fed. So he was getting three to four meals a day! Any no one knew the others were feeding him to!”
This is funny because with Kip’s hole in his heart he absolutely needed to have a constant, steady, healthy weight! I bought special treats for him and allowed everyone to freely give them to him and leave the feeding to me. 🙂
Then my other friend and neighbor Michele told me that her dog has taken over the UPS duties on the court. And that if she is on a walk and he sees the truck in the neighborhood he DRAGS her all the way home!
Thank you Margaret and Hugh for your cyber hugs! They are very appreciated.
“I never met a dog I didn’t like, can’t say the same thing about people”, quote of my friend Tom in Montana. Our Shit Szu is 13 years old, loss of hearing and sight, not unusual for a dog his age and size, is painful to us.
We understand your pain and hope for the best!
Hugh
Oh Lori…just wanted to send you and Kip a big hug, that’s all. From across the pond…
Thank you so much Karen. I told him tonight that he has done a fabulous job and it’s time for him to go spread joy and love to another family. But I’m still so emotional that I’m sure he’s not believing me! 🙂
Thanks or the tip on Trader Joe’s. I can walk to their store from my house and I was making the brown rice from scratch but it isn’t the same has having it freshly made everyday. I also researched a little today about 1) low dose aspirin for dogs and 2) their average life span. Considering he was born with a severe hole in his heart and they told me he wouldn’t “live as long” he has made the “average” easily. 10-14 years or 12.8 depending on how well fed and treated. It brought me great solace to read this, strangely, but it did. We have done well by him and I had decided a long time ago when I found out he was sick, that he couldn’t have picked a better family than us to take him to his limits, well, and with great joy. It’s hard to know who was the bigger gift, us to him or him to us. As it should be. A wonderful balance and exchange we have shared together. I’m still getting there…
oh, dear lori, i am heartbroken for you, have been where you are, and know that there is nothing i can say that will take away the pain you are feeling. just keep talking to kip, say the names of all those he loves while you give him soft and comforting touch and he will know he is being especially thought of and loved by them through you.
trader joes has big generous packages of skinned and deboned chicken breasts. maybe you could poach them in water (can even do in the oven), and they also have boxes of pre-cooked rice to warm in microwave. might free you for awhile from some cooking, though i know whatever you for your darling kip is always a labor of love. still…care for the caregiver, right?
tell kip that hugh, sadie, and i have a special place in our hearts for him, and send him gentle and soothing thoughts and pets to ease his sweet self – your own noble prince. love and warm hugs, karen